


The Pain of Wanting

by imagined_melody



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Gallavich Week, Jealousy, M/M, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-06-18
Packaged: 2018-02-05 03:30:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1803655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imagined_melody/pseuds/imagined_melody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, Mickey is jealous of Ian. </p><p>(Written for Gallavich Week 2014, Day 3, "Jealous.")</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pain of Wanting

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic isn't done. I mean, it's _done_ , but it's not _done_ done. Let me explain.
> 
> You know how sometimes you write something, and you get to a point where you realize there's more to say than what you've written, but it's just not coming? That's what happened here. I set up this whole description of Mickey's point of view, and then started pointing the story towards a resolution...but never quite got there. I like what I have, though, and I think it functions on its own even without that last bit, so I'm posting it anyway. (Plus, I skipped the first 2 days of Gallavich Week for personal reasons- info on my tumblr (imaginedmelody) if you want to know more- and I really wanted to post something for Day 3, so I was determined to get this up tonight.) It may feel unfinished to you as you read it. I hope it doesn't. I just know there's more here than what I was able to access, you know?
> 
> Written for Gallavich Week Day 3, for the theme of "jealousy." Again, I'm not sure whether this is jealousy per se; it's more just good ol' angst. I'm not good at coming up with situations where these boys are jealous of one another. The last four days of the challenge should be much more up my alley. :)

Sometimes, Mickey is jealous of Ian.

In his mind, these are some of his worst moments. Ian has shit to deal with that Mickey should be fucking grateful is _Ian’s_ shit, and not his. Ian’s mind, left untreated, is a ticking time bomb that sends him flying one minute and weighs him to the ground the next. He’s in trouble with the government—not the fucking Chicago cops like Mickey usually is, but the goddamn military. He knows every time they hear a knock on the door (which is practically never—people either just walk into the Milkovich house or don’t bother coming near at all), Ian checks to see who it is before he opens it. You don’t just get let off the hook for crashing an army plane and deserting; Mickey knows that as well as Ian does. What Ian’ll get if he’s caught will be far worse than Mickey’s small-fry stints in juvie, and there’s not a thing anyone can do to make that go away.

Ian’s got some of the same problems as Mickey too. Drunk dad that doesn’t care enough. Not enough money to go around. Too many damn siblings. Mickey’s not jealous of those. 

No, it’s what he sees in Ian himself that makes Mickey jealous as hell.

Ian sees beyond the crappy life they lead in a way that Mickey just can’t, because he doesn’t _imagine_ like that. Mickey’s life is scraping together the little they have to support his wife and their child, with a little bit left over for him and Ian to get by on. He has work (when he can get it) and petty crime (when he can’t); he has drinks down at the Alibi; he has tormenting Mandy; he has nights curled in the dark with Ian pressed against his body.

Is that enough for him? Fuck, maybe not. But he can’t imagine anything better.

And that bothers him. Because Ian _can_. And that tells him there’s something more he’s missing out on. What if the draw of that other world, all the shit Mickey doesn’t know about, pulls Ian away one day? Mickey couldn’t stop him, if that happened. Mickey can’t offer him anything other than what he’s got. And this… _this_ is what he’s got.

Ian has a family that isn’t afraid to take care of him—when he’s low, sure, but even when he’s not. He’s got a brain that put him top of his class before he dropped out to con his way into the army. He’s got ridiculous pretty-boy good looks that make people want to trust him instead of punch him in the face, and fighting skills that mean if they _do_ go for the punch, they’ll be on the ground before they can blink. Ian’ll get by just fine, no matter where he goes. 

It’s this train of thought that Mickey’s in the middle of having when Ian finds him, hunched over on the porch step with a cigarette trailing ash between his fingers. Ian hands him a beer, wordlessly, and Mickey grunts and takes it, sealing his lips around the mouth of the bottle and trading the cigarette over to Ian’s own fingers. His eyes follow the thin cloud of smoke that accompanies Ian’s exhale.

He wants, and he wants, and he doesn’t know what he’s wanting for.


End file.
